I’m not even sure what I want to write here, but here goes. In recovery I’ve heard it said that we have good days and we have “necessary” days. Necessary days are days where the not-so-great things come up that challenge all that good shit you think you believe. Today was “necessary”. I took a verbal battering from someone very near and dear to me simply because we disagree on something. Something that in the end is my business. I listened to a barrage of insults, accusations, and ill premonitions while saying little or nothing. I was called a “monster”. I was told that I needed to pray and rely on God in the same breath.
The entire time I felt like I was physically being slashed to pieces. I couldn’t breathe. My mouth went dry, but I continued to listen and actually maintained my decorum. I casually began to pack up my things, all while continuing to listen. That was my mistake. I continued to listen. I knew that what was being said about me was in no way true, but I continued to listen. I took on this person’s shit. It danced with every bit of self doubt, shame and guilt I ever had. It rented property in my head, and affected my mood all day.
By 4pm (this happened at 11am) I wanted a drink in a way in which I hadn’t in a very long time. Me drinking doesn’t equal going to a bar, having a cocktail and taking it to the house. Me drinking means me finishing a fifth of whatever, asking where the party’s at, getting in my car to drive to it, and blacking out. Even though I had no intention of going out and getting a drink, this is a dangerous head space for someone like me to be in, or anyone for that matter. There is nothing a drink or drug can do for anyone (much less an addict) to solve a problem or fix a feeling. After today, I know I believe that at my core and I’m grateful.
I did all the healthy things I could to take care of myself like: talking to folks, making a meeting, praying, cleaning my space, taking a shower, and writing about it. It’s 9:19pm, and I’ve officially gotten through this very necessary day with the bonus of seeing where its lessons fit in my life. Going forward, I know I must work on certain things so as not to continue to have the same “necessary day”. The main thing is developing the ability to give people their shit back. Yelling, accusations, insults, and ill premonitions are sure fire guarantees that somebody is trying to give you some shit that ain’t yours. Run like your life depends on it. It just might.