Maybe I’m being unrealistic. Maybe I’m expecting that because I set it out and let it out for all of Charlotte to read that everybody else would fling open the door on their inner sanctum of craziness and free themselves. I saw visions of people running through the streets confessing all their strange erroneous habits and secrets to their neighbors who would in turn nod in understanding and confess theirs. What a convoluted dream world I was living in! No matter how much I’d love for them too, no matter how much of “mine” I show in hopes that they will show “theirs”, people will STILL insist that they are perfectly normal and that everyone else is fucked up.
The covertly insane come in many varieties. I’m sure you the reader can think of five just upon reading this, but I’ll just name two types here for examples sake.
The Shit Chef
I stand completely befuddled and amazed at people whom I watch prey on the happiness of others like insatiable vultures. Back stabbing, undermining, incitement of bickering, and persistent stirring of the pot are their utensils. They plant seeds of destruction, walk away, and wait salivating for the harvest. Fine young cannibals they are; All the while coming to you with a smile grasping the knife in their back pocket.
They come disguised as friends bearing “friendly” heads up about situations that you as their “friend” should definitely be kept on top of: i.e. “Let me tell you how fucked up he is…”, “I can’t believe she said that to you?” “Did you see how high he was.” Do you see how fucking insane YOU are creating misery to gratify your own issues with your self esteem?!
Let me digress for a moment. I would be a hypocrite if I did not acknowledge that the old adage “it takes one to know one” applies here. My self esteem has been this low, and while I may not have gone to the lengths that I see some going to destroy relationships I’ve said my share of evil, unwarranted shit to allow me to feel good about myself in the moment. So I can relate to where the root behavior comes from, but the keyword today is: ACCOUNTABILITY. We are accountable for the stuff we put out there. There is always a tab to pay for destructive behaviors, and I’m not talking some weird mystical karmic “what-you-done-to-me-done-already-been-done-to-you!” shit; I’m saying you just can’t go around spreading misery and expect to be happy. How do I know? Nothing I said about others or did to undermine situations/relationships got me what I wanted and actually left me even more miserable with even lower self esteem.
I also don’t pretend to be completely rid of the behavior, but what I do posses is the ability to OWN it and change the course of my actions immediately upon noticing I’m on some ill shit. Try it. You might like it.
The Double Sided Coin:
Two words: Eddie Long. You talk about one thing, and completely live another. Here’s a situation from my life I’ll donate (no worries if it’s about you, no names.) He is dude that is celebrating his pride in his “wifey boo” and new family. Facebook loved up. Then how come you’re hitting me up trying to get a side order of ass, then berating me because I live with my mom. Really? The wrongs about this one situation are over flowing. I’ll just leave it at this, I’d rather have my self respect and be able to maintain myself fiscally live with my Momma than to move into an apartment alone praying for the day that you and wife boo fall out so I can have a quick turn to be little me physically. There it is.
I can’t say I have direct experience in this as hypocrisy has never been my strong suit (my co-dependent guilt won’t allow it) I will say that my life has been greatly affected by people who were two sided coins. It’s confusing, misleading, hurtul and totally unfair to those in your immediate life. Pick a side and try to stay on it. Notice I said TRY. I know we don’t always get it right, but damn, at least try to be an 80/20 instead of a 60/40, everyone in your life will thank you.
Owning our shit helps to free us up of guilt, fear, and anger while simultaneously making the world a better place. Ownership with out action however is pointless. See: the guy who “told that girl I had my baby momma at home.” while still carrying out beauxed up activities with her. Yes action is a complete MUST, it doesn’t change over night though. It took me over 1.5 years to stop bad mouthing my guy friend’s gf cause I wanted him for myself. While you’re waitin? Well do other shit, I dunno like eating, breathing, sleeping, eating. This is life and it’s too short to be trapped in a never ending loop of insanity.