I am utterly defeated. I have nothing else to give to the cause of me attending Tisch Asia. I have hustled, planned, acted as if (I quit my fucking job! Great!), prayed, meditated, and burned incense. I am tired. I have a $20,000 per semester gap in funding. I do not qualify for the Grad Plus loan. This morning one of my final doors/windows of opportunity closed. My white flag is waving. I don’t have anymore to give this cause emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. Right now, I don’t give a shit what the lesson is. It hurts too fuckin’ much for me to care. I know it won’t always, but today it does.
Being hopeful about this situation has only intensified the shitiness of my feelings and fueled my desperate actions to force this thing to happen. These are the times I don’t want to be in recovery. I want a license to be completely reckless and unconcerned about the damage I leave behind, but fucking recovery. Fucking spiritual principles won’t even allow me to indulge. Because underneath this raging heap of fuck the world I have going on I know that the shiny happy recovery Stacey would suffer in the long run along with those she loves.
If you have donated to my noble cause, know that your funding will now be re-purposed to cover my ass as I eat crow and I slither back into my life as a Respiratory Therapist. Universe … I turn it over to you, because I have not shit else.