I’m tired. I’m tired of pep talks. Anxiety attacks. Positive self talk vs. Negative self talk. Healing Mantras. Hard work. Fits of crying. Fits of laughing. Fits of screaming. Fits. Patience (yeah, I’m REAL tired of that bitch).
At an early age, I was sold the bullshit idea of faith being this thing that sagely folk sit stoically by and “have”. They clasp their Bibles, Korans, Torahs, Self Help Books, Meditation beads or whatever sacred possession they have and trust all nice and floaty like.
Well I want my fuckin’ money back, because faith ain’t none of that shit. If it is, it’s only that for a small section of people (e.g. The Pope, Deepak Chopra, Oprah, and Prince). For the rest of us regular muphuckas , faith is a battle to the death between your needs, wants, and the “higher good”. That last item is a fuckin’ lu lu. You never really know what the “higher good” until that one issue you were grappling with is ancient history. Then you get the gift of “lessons” and “ones to grow on.” UGHK!
In the meantime you get to be utterly miserable … if you choose to. Right now, I can honestly say I’m choosing misery (it’s a subconscious choice … my default mode if you will). I’ll pull my head out of my ass momentarily only to reinsert it at a later date. Samsara? Purgatory? Limbo? Call it what you will, but I heard that even the almighty Billy Graham found himself in spiritual dilemmas so befuddling that he would lie prostrate on his bedroom floor for hours talking to Jesus. (Wait … I haven’t tried that yet )
Whatever the hell it is and whatever obstacles the task presents, I intend to keep the faith. As shitty as the process is at times I know the alternative, at least for me, is worse.